69 Signs You Live On a Boat

As a location decentric geo-neutral lifestyle constructing nomad time-exempt techno shama-lama-ding-dong slayer of all things that start with ‘cube’, you’ve probably had the disconcerting feeling of waking up and being freaked out for the few moments until your pupils catch up with your eyelids and your mind catches up with your GPS tracking system. If that lag time ever gets too long, refer back to this post. No, it’s not going to help if you’re covered in honey in the middle of a scorched expanse of sand with a column of ants approaching, but it will tell you whether or not you have ditched your landlubber lifestyle and now live on a boat. (a list of my faves compiled from the interwebs)

1. Sleeping in a house makes you feel claustrophobic because there isn’t a hatch overhead to look at the stars.
2. You know smaller is actually sometimes better.
3. You find yourself bleeding from random places at random times.
4. You and your girlfriend define “taking a break” as moving about six feet apart and looking in opposite directions.
5. You avoid telling people you live on a boat just so you don’t have to explain to them how you shower… again.
6. You are obsessed with the humidity…indoors.
7. You think butter only comes soft
8. All of your pots have removable handles.
9. When invited to dinner at someone’s house you ask if you can have a shower.
10. When invited to dinner at someone’s house you ask if you can do your laundry.
11. The doctor assumes your body covered in random bruises is a sign of physical abuse.
12. You are the only one who doesn’t want to win the big screen TV at the charity raffle.
13. You think CSI is some sort of yacht club racing acronym.
14. Kids think you’re the coolest person on earth.
15. When you don’t like the neighborhood you just untie and move.
16. You are content knowing that sailing is code for boat repair in exotic places.
17. You can assemble a gourmet dinner using only one pot and a spork.
18. Doing laundry involves a net bag, a moving boat, and 50 feet of line.
19. You have to put up an umbrella inside.
20. When asked for a piece of scratch paper, you hand them 80 grit.
21. You truly don’t want anything for Chistmas that doesn’t come in PDF form or install on a Kindle.
22. You only get seasick on land.
23. Cardboard boxes, wrappers, and packing foam are thrown away before anything goes to the boat.
24. You define a good anchorage as one where you can get WiFi.
25. A fifteen minute job always takes and hour and a half since you have to pull everything out of all the storage lockers to find the right part, then the right tool, then put it all back.
26. Your wallet contains more boat cards than business cards
27. You know what a boat card is.
28. When visiting ashore, you wake everbody at daylight screaming “We’re Aground”when you open your eyes and see trees.
29. You define an easy chore as one where you only had to pull out 3 tool bags.
30. You covet new solar panels more than a new car.
31. You can identify boats by the sound of their halyard slapping against their mast.
32. Removing things from the refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
33. You gave up high heels for flipflops
34. You’ve accidently put your life jacket on in a grocery store parking lot out of habit.
35. You walk in the rain all the way back to your boat, carrying a backpack, a load of laundry,  groceries destined to fall out of their bag at any second… all while thinking how lucky you are.
36. Filling the water tanks is a full day’s work.
37. The only thing you do religiously on Sundays is wonder what day it is.
38. The first thing you do after setting the hook is check to see who you know in the anchorage.
39. Cutting the grass means diving over the side.
40. You find a sea otter lounging in your cockpit when you get home.
41. You think the roof leaking a little is no big deal.
42. You wonder why it’s always low tide when taking stuff on or off the boat.
43. A warm rum and coke won’t turn your stomach.
44. When you try to sleep on land you find you can only sleep in hammock after rocking it.
45. You understand and pay attention to the entire weather forecast.
46. You spend weekends sitting in your cockpit with a boat hook beside you, waiting to fend off the next rental boat operator.
47. You can heat your home with a Bic lighter.
48. Every time you consider buying something the main consideration is what you’ll have to get rid of to make room for it.
49. When visiting ashore you catch yourself pumping the handle on a faucet.
50. You consider a three minute shower luxurious
51. You covet your neighbor’s oven more than his wife.
52. You measure the length of a shower in terms of quarters
53. You know consider a freezer the ultimate luxury.
54. You have to strap a bag full of water to your boom & wait a few hours before you can take a shower.
55. You’ve sincerely wondered if there are any companies that make triangular bed sheets.
56. You know that styrofoam was invented by satan, duct tape by God.
57. When trying to register a new bank account or anything to do with government, their computer won’t accept the fact that you don’t have a residental address.
58. All of your neighbors have your cellphone number, but only call when they want a weather report or for you to check on their boat.
59. You realize previously asinine Jimmy Buffet songs have started to carry a deep philosophical significance.
60. You only bring out the clear plastic Dixie cups for fancy occasions.
61. You visit a friend’s house and worry that everything on the shelves will come crashing down when the boat heels.
62. Getting the “heat” question for the 1,000th time drives you mad.
63. Trying to find someone to sail away with you isn’t being romantic, it’s practical.
64. Your first iPhone app was the Weather Channel.
65. Your second was Tides app.
66. Your homepage is the NOAA National Weather Service
67. You’ve spent mornings standing in your underwear on the deck of someone else’s boat, adjusting halyards, lashing lines & freezing your ass off.
68. You have given up trying to defend your lifestyle and are content with smugly thinking…..they don’t have a clue what they are missing.
69. You have a clue what any of this means.

Have any to add… any favorites from this list?